A crucial night
by TrashCanNamedLena
Summary: Donna Paulsen has to confront herself with a serious question. Is she capable of leaving her old life behind and starting a new life in Toronto with Mitchell? But what if all the doesn't matter anymore because this one night will decide if there's even a life being worth living...


**Hey you beautiful people out there**

 **This is my first attempt in writing a fanfic. I've never written one before so I am really excited but also quite nervous to upload this one. This story is a darvey fanfic and inspired by the movie "If I stay" (one of my fav movies). Donna however is still together with Mitchell. I will not tell you to much, just that It will get really emotional. I will try to upload as much and as fast as my school schedule and my brain allow me to and yeah if you like this fanfic feel free to leave a review and tell me what i can improve. I am open for every kind of criticism. Xoxox Lena**

prologue

There she was, standing in the cold with her bare feet in the snow, facing her worst nightmare. She wasn't freezing at all. Actually she couldn't sense anything. In front of her were a bunch of people, running around with worries and stress written in their faces. Something bad happened, very bad! She couldn't remember anything no matter how hard she tried. There was just this huge blanc space. How did she get there? She slowly turned to her right and could see smoking car relicts lying on the curbside. Her heart began to burn and she felt anxiety streaming through her veins. How the hell did she get here? Why is she at a accident location, bare feet in the middle of December. And how come she didn't feel cold at all. She took a few steps forward, silently taking in the scenario and trying to remember anything. Her feet carried her to the ambulance. Men in red coats were preparing transfusions while others were storming in and out of the vehicle. Her gaze got stuck in the windshield of the car. She stared confused at her reflection. Her skin was very fair which led to her freckles being even more prominent. Her dress was white and body hugging. Her lips were rosy pink, so were her cheeks. Her red locks were in place as if no one ever touched them before. She looked marvelous. Just her shoes were missing. "Hurry we will loose her" A loud voice had woken her up from her thoughts. She turned to her left and sighted the same men she watched leave the vehicle before, surrounding something or someone. Her mind winded back to the occasion around her. That must be the victim she thought. "More oxygen. We have to keep her stable till we reach the hospital", she heard a man saying. Even though she didn't know the person, she felt worried for her. It sounds really serious. She took a few steps closer to take a closer look at how bad her injuries were but abruptly solidified at the spot as she saw a red strand of hair, making a huge contrast to the clear white snow. Nobody had this bright hair color, nobody except for her. That must be a coincidence, she said to herself, trying to

suppress her assumption. Suddenly her breath got heavy and her heart began to beat faster. Her bottom lip started to tremble and she wanted to scream but it was like her throat was frozen by the cold air she gasped for earlier. All of a sudden it hit her again. The blanc space, it seemed to fill again with memories she wished wouldn't have appeared her mind. Memories of a hallow crash, a loud scream and someone grabbing for her hand. But she can't seem to put those shreds of memories together. This couldn't be true. This is impossible. She is here, alive. She can breathe, she can see, she can feel..sort of and her heart is beating. She slowly lifted up her hands and stared at them before her gaze drifted to her lifeless body. It was her! No doubt! The sight of her lifeless body made tears crawl up her eyes. She could see that her face adopted the same color as the snow she was laying in. Not that she doesn't know that she's pale in nature but she didn't remember being that fair. Her eyes were closed and if there wasn't this huge laceration on her forehead you could assume she was just asleep. While her face lost all it's color, her red hair stood out. The strands were allotted all over the snow.

The gaze of the redhead drifted down to her abdomen. Her heart began beating even faster now that she recognized the white dress. The exact same one she was wearing at this very moment, just that the dress she was wearing underneath a thick jacket wasn't white any longer. It was red, deep pure red. She must have been loosing a lot of blood. The sight of her lifeless body made her struggle breathing. Her bottom lip was still trembling and her eyes watery. Was that some weird nightmare she got from watching to many tv shows? She lifted her right hand to her mouth as a reflex to her shock. She took a few steps back to separate herself from this weird occasion. She lost the orientation and she's not entirely sure if that's the only thing she's lost. The cold didn't bother her at all, it was the confusion haunting her mind and the emptiness in her heart that were hurting her. All she wanted was to see a familiar face, his face!

2 weeks ago:

Donna stared at the ceiling, as she was lying on the couch in her living room. Her long legs were bent and her hands entwined into each other. She had headphones in her ear and listened to music from her iPod. Not just any kind of music, music that reminded her of him and the moments they shared over the last 12 years. Donnas head was so high up in the clouds; her thoughts letting her loose sense for the presence. She didn't even realize Mitchell, her current boyfriend, as he took a seat next to her and carefully laid his hand on her left thigh. She could imagine him right in front of her, Harvey Specter. His beautiful face with all it's edges and contours. His brown eyes that she always feels drowning in, his narrow lips that she secretly desires to kiss whenever he stands in front of her, whenever there are only inches separating them. Not to forget the two moles over his eyebrow. They are so unique and only seal his attractiveness. She had to smirk by the thought of him. Suddenly she felt one headphone being pulled away from her and her vision fade away. "What are you listening to?", she heard a soft voice speaking to her. It was Mitchell's. Donna separated her gaze from the ceiling and stared at Mitchell's face, as he moved a bit further towards her and carefully roamed his hand from her thigh to her waist, till he reached her hair and placed one strand behind her ear. Donna should actually shiver under his touch given by the sensitive body parts he touched so carefully and affectionately, but she couldn't. The electric spark was missing and not just this time. Donna likes Mitchell, she really does. He is a great man, loyal, fair, careful and gentlemanly. He always treats her like a woman would like to be treated. Always respects her decisions, even if he can't relate to the reason and never doubts her integrity. Actually he is the perfect partner, one a dozen woman are aching for. But there was only one problem. He wasn't Harvey. It's always the issue and it probably always be. Nobody compares to Harvey, how could they? No one has this big almond-shaped dark brown eyes and no one can burn her skin with them as much as he did. Every time he stares at her, it's like her body is on fire and she feels undressed by his sight immediately. No one has his grin. That " I'm Harvey Specter - self observed but still incredibly sexy" grin that she adores so much. No one has this effect on her. No one can make her feel the way Harvey does. She is in love with him, head over heels, since day one. So deeply in love with him. But both of them are much to complicated to work, she thought. Harvey to emotionally unstable to jump into a relationship and herself being to stubborn with keeping her policy and honestly a bit frightened by how their future would look like after they would cross the line. "You can never go back" - that's what she once said to Rachel and something she still was carrying around with herself. They once did it. Allow their passion and desire to collide. That one time, 12 years ago. It was undesirable. Their body's complemented each other flawlessly, just as if they were made for each other. Their lust taking over their sins. A night, she'd never forget. It it wasn't supposed to be more than that; a one night stand. They are a great team and she doesn't want to miss his proximity. They are more than just boss and secretary, even more than friends but less then lovers. "Because we have everything" - maybe he was right when he said that. Maybe they had everything and should make sure to not risk everything they build, everything they earned, everything they achieved. But Donna couldn't help thinking about Harvey. He is with her every step of the way, he might even be a part of her by now. She wasn't exactly sure if she really fell in love with Mitchell a few moths ago or if she just fell in love with the thought of a stable relationship after 12 years of chasing a man she thought wasn't accessible. Mitchell is great and she enjoys having him over sometimes or spending time at his apartment in the upper east side. They cook, they talk, they eat and of course they make out and end up lying next to each other in bed. She seemed to have a normal and perfectly fine relationship but Donna secretly wasn't satisfied at all. It almost feels like a routine even though they're only dating since a few moths. Bored isn't necessary the ideal routine but Donna sometimes finds herself in one of these movies where a couple is married for 20 years. She isn't against marriage itself but more against oddness that comes after a while. A passionless, odd relationship because you know each other to well. The spark gone and the time in bed resembles more a desperate rub than an explosion of emotions. The thought that her relationship with Mitchell resembles her fear even though he barely knows anything about her compared to Harvey, oppresses her.

Mitchell always is really careful, sometimes even to careful and soft in Donnas opinion. It feels like he doesn't even know her body and her preferences, while Harvey could satisfy them all in just one night.

Mitchell stared at his beautiful girlfriend. He wondered where her mind has been, as she was lying there, at first not recognizing his touch. Only when he carefully put out the headphones, he earned a quick by lovely gaze from the redhead. Her lips were slightly curled up as her big brown eyes sparkled at him. "Nothing just an old playlist with some even older songs", she replied as she firmed herself up on her elbows.

The smell of food was in the air and made Donnas mouth water. It smells like grilled chicken and something with a strong spice. "Did you cook?", she asked after Mitchell grabbed a strand of hair and placed it behind her ear. "Yes, Chicken and fried Thai vegetables. Your favorite food for this special occasion"

Donna frowned and gave him a skeptical gaze. She truly had no idea what was expecting her. "Yes darling. I have to tell you something but it can wait. Let's eat first", he suggested but Donna softly grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving. "You know how bad my patience is when it comes to stuff like that. Please tell me first" Mitchell couldn't resist these beautiful eyes that stared right through him and her lips that were slightly parted. He took a seat again and Donna positioned herself in a tailor seat.

Mitchell took a deep breath with alienated Donna even more. "So as you already know, I am a surgeon with passion and I've recently been looking for a new work environment in order to amplify my knowledge. And now is the time to tell you that I got a phenomenal offer from a hospital in Toronto. They are specified on neurology and they would like to welcome me to their team. They are known for their excellent reputation and I could learn a lot." The redhead felt the happiness overcome her body. She knew how passionate he is at his profession and this offer was truly amazing. He spark in his eyes filled her with happiness, so much happiness that she faded out the most important detail. The distance.

"I am truly happy for you Mitchell. This is such a great opportunity"

She hugged him and he inhaled the scent of her grapefruit shampoo. "But about the distance. I know that might come of as a unpleasant surprise but Toronto isn't to far from here. Sure we'd have to fly in order to visit your relatives and friends but we could also start a new life there. Far from the firm that's eating you up anyways. My family and friends life in Toronto and they would be honored to meet you. Also my visa expires in a few moths so I'd have to extend it or move back to Canada. This is a great opportunity Donna. Not just for me but for us."

Overwhelmed and perplex Donna sat there besides him. "Wait why are you talking in the second person plural?", she stuttered.

She could sense what he was implying but she needed the confirmation so her brain could process that this is not just a nightmare. "I want you to come with me"

These words making her swallow. The consequences visually popping up in front of her. She would have to give up her life here. She'd have to give up her job, her friends, her routines, her family and most importantly, she'd have to give up him. As much as she hates it, a more or less crucial part is still connected to him. She isn't his property and he doesn't own her yet she feels like she can't free herself from that bond. Perhaps more a she doesn't want to. Donna is comfortable with her situation. She'd much rather have him as a friend and work colleague than loosing him forever. That way she still is part of his life and she knows about the influence that she has on him. She's pleased with her current life circumstances, why would she change them? She wasn't ready to leave New York behind, to leave her life and her friends behind. Her heart belongs here, her body belongs here, her sole belongs here.

Trapped in her thoughts, she forgot that Mitchell was still waiting for her answer. "Donna, could you say something please? This makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I didn't mean to overrun you with...", but Donna interrupted him there. "...I'm sorry but this comes quite surprisingly. I'm afraid I can't give you an actual answer. Yeezz you're asking me to leave everything behind. I don't know if i am capable to take this step with you. I love my job and my friends."

Mitchell grabbed both of her hands and kissed them softly. The confusion and perplex was still written in Donnas face and Mitchell could sense that. Therefore he tried to calm her a bit. "I understand but this could be an opportunity for us. You've put your heart and guts into work recently and I can't count the long hours that you spent at the firm. I might not be a therapist but I don't have to be one to know that this isn't healthy both physically and mentally. I just want you to...", but again Donna had to interrupt him again. This time her voice changed into a more feisty and protective mood. "..I really appreciate you worrying about my health but I am fine with my work. Besides the fact that they need me, i love putting in long hours because just like you, I am passionate about my job."

Donna freed herself from his touch and stood up. Her breath beginning to become fretful. "Darling, i don't want to pressure you into making a quick and sudden decision. I'll give you all the time you need but please just think of all the great chances we could take and everything we could achieve" Even through Mitchell was very serious, Donna could again see his warm and respectful side taking charge. He is so caring and other than Harvey not selfish at all. But in that case she wouldn't have minded some sort of selfishness.

"Thank you and I'll think through it. Can we please eat something now. I am starving", she answered, a million questions in her mind keeping her hunger away. But changing the topic seemed the only appropriate thing to do. That way she wouldn't have to justify herself and blend out the fact that her arguments were all completely conflicting. She now had to face something she feared to be her biggest fear. Would she cut herself loose from Harvey's bond? But if she'd only knew what the future would bring...


End file.
